I Hide During Christmas
Often, at the start of my posts, I feel I should apologize to readers. For example, I was going to start this one with: “I apologize if I ruined anyone’s mood in this festive season; that wasn’t my intention.” But that’s silly, isn’t it? It feels like apologizing for being me.
Plus, those who are preoccupied with making gingerbread cookies, wrapping presents, singing Christmas songs, and decorating trees are probably not refreshing Substack right now anyway.
So, I’m skipping the apology.
It’s Christmas Eve. I’m sitting in my corner of the couch, reading a book (or I was, before I opened my laptop to start typing). The book is very interesting, but it's primarily my cover. I'm hiding. This is my Christmas tradition, has been for as long as I can remember.
The book is a great cover. Better than your phone, since people hesitate to interrupt you while you’re reading. If the book is really good, you might even forget, for a while, how dysfunctional your family is, and how that dysfunction particularly shines during “the most wonderful time of the year.” Or is it that I’m just noticing it more than ever?
I wasn’t going to write this post. I usually just let this time pass, thinking I’ll leave people be, not bother them with my Christmas frustrations. But I decided to do it anyway, for two reasons: because I want to feel less weird about feeling like this during Christmas time, and because I want other people who feel the same to feel less weird too.
Two things I saw today encouraged me. The first was an Instagram post from someone saying: “To all the people feeling down, keep in mind – this too shall pass.”
The second was a beautiful post from amandine bula: “i don’t love Christmas like I used to.”
Even though both had kind of anti-festive vibes (or precisely because of that), they made me feel a bit better. I felt less alone in my Christmas blues.
The blues is always here. Always has been. And I think it always will be during this time of year.
It was there even when I was a kid. When I was growing up, the holiday season was a synonym for NOISE. Loud, unbearable noise and explosions coming from those damn fireworks, firecrackers, and whatnot, which are a huge thing in Croatia during “the most wonderful time of the year.” They completely freaked me out and made me not want to leave the house.
And I just couldn't understand it. Still can't. How do you celebrate something supposedly spiritual with explosions? With so much noise you can't even hear yourself think? It makes no sense. But that's what Christmas has become, right? NOISE. Literal and metaphorical.
To this day, I feel extremely uncomfortable being close to things that explode. Even when someone pops a balloon, I instinctively cover my ears or run.
It wasn’t just the fireworks, of course. It was the whole craziness: men around me being drunk and loud, women being quiet, cooking and cleaning until they collapse... Insane amounts of food, dead trees decorated with shiny objects, blinking lights everywhere, stores packed with shit no one really needs, mad shopping like it’s doomsday, people performing, pretending. Lots of pretending. And pretending is so exhausting. It’s the most exhausting thing there is, isn’t it?
But in the name of Christmas spirit, I go along! I pretend I don’t exist behind my book. It’s also exhausting, but if the book is good, I forget I’m pretending, and I’m just... existing elsewhere.
During many Christmases, I’ve existed in a lot of exciting places: medieval castles, snow-covered mountains, beaches of Koh Samui, New York neighborhoods, Japanese woods, Shanghai alleyways, Amazonian jungles, Yugoslavian river shores...
One of the first places I escaped to during Christmas was Alice’s Wonderland. The book was a gift from my parents for Christmas ‘96. Like they knew I needed a rabbit hole to disappear into. And it was magical to go through that rabbit hole. And it worked. It made things…bearable.
Just like these fritulas my mom makes do. (Yes, there are some bits of Christmas I actually like.)
And then there's this. Writing here. Sharing this with you – people I've never met but somehow feel safe with. A year ago, I couldn't have imagined doing this. Admitting I hide at Christmas. Confessing I don't really feel the vibes of "the most wonderful time of the year". But this space has become a kind of relief too. A place where I don't have to pretend. Where I can just say what I'm actually feeling and know someone out there gets it. So thank you for that. For being here.
Confession: I almost named this post “Why I Hate Christmas,” but the truth is, I don’t. I just wish it could be a little less intense and more... simple.
Also, I have proof I’m really not a Grinch: yesterday evening, I made an apple pie from my friend’s grandma’s recipe. I put in a bunch of cinnamon, cloves, and cardamom, and my whole place smelled amazing. Then I took a little forgotten Christmas tree from my parents’ house that was gathering dust, put on a few decorations, wrapped presents for my family, and put them under the tree. I even put on a festive playlist on YouTube, but after 10 minutes I realized it’s too intense for me (all those high pitches, jeez) and switched to Hermanos Gutiérrez. And then I took a blanket and my book. But not to hide, just to, you know, enjoy.
So, I guess I don’t hate to engage with Christmas, when it’s on my own terms.
Happy holidays, folks.
Thank you for reading.
I think everyone can feel a bit overwhelmed at Christmas. I know I feel the perceived expectations of my family that may or may not actually exist. But in my own head they certainly do. We should all try to go especially easy on ourselves during the holidays and just remember we are doing our best and enjoy the times with family if we are lucky enough to have them . Great article Nina!
So aptly put! You open any social media site and you see your feed drowning in Chrissy noise, from the songs, to the red dresses, to the Santa madness, taking away from the real meaning of Christmas. All for these but let's acknowledge the true essence of Christmas. I love your version of Chrissy; isn't it all about relishing your fav delicacies, whilst doing your most fav things, with loved ones by your side is a bonus. :)